…..we would love to see happen at Eurovision this year (but let’s face it, probably won’t)
1 As Eurovision performances become ever more lavish and flamboyant, a random solo singer attempts to liven up drab ballad (from, let’s say for the sake of argument, Switzerland) by actually levitating mid-song in the manner of David Blaine. Votes come pouring in.
2 Plans to reintroduce the orchestra are scrapped after two of the Moldovan backing dancers whirl a bit too enthusiastically and accidentally fall in to the pit.
3 In an effort to stamp out political voting, the free language rule is replaced by a new rule which stipulates that every country must sing in an unspecified European language to be chosen at random in a special draw. Problems arise when the Irish singer struggles to get the hang of basic Hungarian.
4 After trying – and failing – to secure the services of Leona Lewis, the UK is instead represented by the budgie man from Britain’s Got Talent.
5 “And 12 points from Greece go to our friends and neighbours…..Iceland!”
6 All phonelines across Europe are simultaneously out of order for the duration of the contest, meaning nobody can cast any votes. Contest is awarded to Portugal by default since it’s clearly their turn to win (the way it was Martin Scorsese’s turn to win the Oscar last year even though everybody knows that Goodfellas is a far better film than The Departed…..)
7 Terry Wogan to be replaced in the commentary box by Jeanette Krankie.
8 Having decided it worked for Verka Serduchka last year, at least 18 countries are represented by men in dresses. It all falls flat when 14 of the above turn out not to actually be drag queens at all.
9 Two of the representatives for the Eurovision Dance Contest turn up to the wrong contest by mistake.
10 Interval act fails to show up and is replaced at the last minute by an orchestra consisting entirely of goats banging on pots.